A Poem

When I was diagnosed with ADHD, I read up a lot. I joined quite a few groups on social media. It has been a big help to see that other people are dealing with the same things I am.

Part of ADHD, as I mentioned before, is a lack of input filter. I don’t miss much. I just have problems filing it away where I can find it later. Sometimes, I can forget something while I hear it. It’s not fun. But, I thought it would be interesting to put down on paper (or the screen) what goes on in my head at any given time.

As I started to write, I thought putting it in a poem form would be interesting. There’s no rhyming, and no real meter. The stanzas are all four lines, and that’s about it. It’s the perfect kind of form for what I wanted to write.

In a way, it’s stream of consciousness, but I made it (somewhat) pleasing to read and maybe hear. It paints a picture in the mind of what is going on in mine.

I posted it in a couple of my ADHD groups and it was received well. A lot of people said it does a good job of explaining the ADHD brain and thought process.

Here goes:

———————————–

If You Could See

If you could see inside my mind,
If I could invite you in to look,
Maybe you would understand
What makes me who I am.

I’m on a springtime walk in the forest,
Green with trees in full summer foliage.
The path underfoot soft and padded
With years of fallen leaves.

The trees suddenly disappear
And the path becomes hard and hot.
It’s a hot August day – an amusement park.
Roller coasters left, right, and center.

Choruses of scared-delighted screams
Reach my ears from every direction.
I hear their cries of terror and joy
As they rush-ride by.

And I am on the highest, fastest,
Wildest coaster of them all,
Slowly climbing that first hill
Then screaming down at impossible speed…

To the top of a snowy mountain,
Cold and naked, I shiver,
Huddled against the raging wind,
I scream out in rage and pain…

To hear a stern noise reach my ears
Where I am sitting in the library.
The librarian stage whispers “QUIET”
As I realize I am, again, too loud.

The walls melt, and silence gives way
To the crowd animal, roaring support.
It is game seven, it looks like
They will finally win a World Series.

Except it’s fourth and twelve
Down six points in the last minute.
They’re going for it! The quarterback
Takes the snap and rolls out…

Behind the three point line.
The shot is up in the last second.
It arcs through the air
Toward the rim and…

I remember my first bicycle.
How I would ride around the block
Again and again, not caring
About the passage of time.

Except I tripped and fell – again.
Skinned my knee, as always.
Can’t you even walk right? I say to myself
In my father voice as the blood drips.

I am in church, on my knees, praying,
Asking God again for some help.
My tears run down my face
And drop, drop, drop to the floor.

Where I lay, bruised and beaten.
Exhaustion has caught up with me.
My body aches and my head spins.
I don’t think I can get up.

The fields are green grass, tall,
And I have to mow it all today.
The pull cord on the mower breaks
And I throw the handle in disgust…

Into the distance, where the dogs run
Fast, faster, wanting to fetch first.
But it looks like rain
And thunder is rumbling in the distance.

Where do all these things go?
I have a room where I try to keep them,
Except it is a mess; the drawers that won’t close
And the door won’t lock.

All these things keep getting out.
They invade my thoughts.
I swear, just one more thing…
And like clockwork, there it is.

You are speaking to me,
I look and listen, interested
Except I also hear everything else.
The room, the world, is speaking at the same time.

That sound! That voice!
I can’t unhear them, can’t block them out.
I hear and forget for a quick moment
That I was listening to you

Excuse me, I didn’t catch that.
That feeling when you have to, again,
Repeat what you just said to me.
I DO care. I just can’t stay with you.

The black hole – THAT black hole
That sucks in everything important.
The white rabbit has crossed my path again.
He is late, and so am I.

So I follow him down his rabbit hole.
Because I’m sure it’s important.
Except it isn’t, and I have wasted time,
And now I have lost my way. Again.

If you could see inside my mind,
If I could invite you in to look,
Maybe you would understand
What makes me who I am.

Or, maybe not.