I’m BACK! – Well, THIS is something new…

This is a rough one to write, and it has been a long while, I know. I’ll get right to that. For the moment, though, I need to start out by saying this:

I am making a major life change.

This week, I resigned as pastor of the church I have served for the last three years. If that’s not enough, I’m also leaving full-time ministry.

Pause to let this sink in… even I have to get used to it, friends.

Now, let’s get to the “why” part.

No, this isn’t a crisis of faith.

No, this isn’t some form of “deconstruction” (and someday I’ll write about why I dislike that term).

No, I’m not leaving ministry entirely. Go back and read the above again… I am leaving full-time ministry. God still very much intends to use me in ministry…

But there is more than one way to do ministry. I am about to go and live that out.

More on that later. Let’s concentrate on that “why” thing, because it’s a very big factor behind my long absence from this page.

Last month, I had a return article all prepared. I was going to call it “The Lost Year.”

I even had a poem to go with it, which I might still put on here at some point, after some editing.

In this article, I had it all mapped out and explained about how a MEDICATION I was taking had been behind my extended hiatus from my page and you, my friends following this journey I am on. Well, there may have been some truth to that, but it was incomplete at best.

Yes, shortly after my sister’s death, I was tested for ADHD and diagnosed, not with ADHD, but with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I was then put on a medication for anxiety (which I was not feeling and truly doubted I had… but maybe they knew something I didn’t).

The medication did nothing for me – if anything, it made things worse. I not only still had ADHD symptoms, I started having problems with aphasia… that pesky thing where you know a word you want to say, but can’t find it. This happens to us all from time to time, but it was coming up way too often with me and I was getting worried. I mentioned it to my shrink, but she didn’t seem to think it was anything to worry about.

Meanwhile, the question every visit was: “how’s your anxiety?”

“What anxiety?”

“On a scale of one to ten?”

“Two or three, I guess” – I mean, let’s face it, who doesn’t have a little anxiety sometimes?

Apparently this was a good thing, because they kept me on the medication.

But it wasn’t really doing much for me…

Except maybe making things worse…?

See, just before my sister died, I had gotten over COVID, so I thought maybe I had lingering effects from that (long COVID is a real thing – a friend of ours in Germany had it bad and was out of commission for months).

I was feeling horrible. Weak. Sometimes unable to get our of bed.

My temperature would sneak up for a few days, then go back down.

My migraines went haywire.

So I figured, since all my head stuff was (apparently) being taken care of, I should check with my GP about these other symptoms.

I was shuffled from doctor to doctor… well, GP to specialist to specialist.

You all know what specialist means in the US health insurance world, right? Double the copay, double the fun (without the fun).

All that time (and money)… tests… tests… and more tests…

And… nothing.

Meanwhile, things kept getting worse, then a little better, then worse again.

But my anxiety was AOK!

Then, the beginning of this year, something happened.

Not only did I have the regular symptoms I was having…

I now had dizziness to boot.

This was the kind of dizziness that meant I couldn’t drive a car.

I couldn’t stand for too long.

I was getting sweaty just by walking a few steps.

And my old friend exhaustion was settling in for another stay.

Again with the doctor shuffle. Again with “nothing we can find.”

I did Sunday morning services while sitting – at least part of them.

People in the church were concerned. I called people to come and lay hands on me and pray for me.

I was still having problems with aphasia, getting to the point where my wife was worried I might be showing signs of early dementia.

I finally said “enough.”

I wanted to do a reset with the head medicine, but it’s not always that simple. Anyone who takes psychotropic drugs knows, once you are on them, you have to be very careful coming off of them. Just stopping is asking for all kinds of trouble, especially with the one I was on. I looked it up and it mentioned side effects of “electrical shock sensations in the muscles,” even with supervised weaning off.

Yikes!

I went for it, though. I needed to see if this med, which I never asked for, to treat a condition I never believed I had, was causing these problems.

It took a couple of months, but I finally was weaned off it. I managed to avoid the “electrical shock sensations,” which was a huge relief. I mean, who needs that action?

Getting rid of that med, made for a BIG improvement, which brought me to the point where I had written and was ready to publish my “The Lost Year” article.

But I didn’t. I just didn’t feel entirely right letting it go out there like that.

Not because of the vulnerability. You should know I have been there and done that. If you are going to follow along on this journey with me, you’re gonna get the uncensored version.

No, it wasn’t that.

Something was just holding me back.

I decided: “I’ll let it settle overnight, then publish it.” I often do that anyway…

Except this time… I just left it there.

I had been thinking about changing gears for a while. This summer has my allergies going full out on me, and I’ve been diagnosed with allergy induced asthma. I’m waiting on an allergy test…

But there was that nagging feeling… I probably won’t be able to stay in this area too long.

This breathing thing runs in our family, so I know I’m not going to get any better. In fact, I should do my best not to aggravate it any more than I have to.

I have also been thinking about ministry. Am I where the Lord wants me?

All of these things…

Well, some things came together recently that gave me that last little push…

If you know, you know… it”s that “do you need ANOTHER hint?” gentle push from the Lord.

That was when I decided it was time to resign.

Then, do you know what happened?

A huge weight fell off my shoulders… immediately. It was such a strange feeling, because at the same time, I was mourning (and I still am). I love this church family from the bottom of my heart, and you have to know me well enough to know I am really not just saying that. It was sad, but at the same time… liberating.

It was at that point I began to think there were other things going on that had nothing to do with long COVID or a medication prescription I should have questioned from the start.

I slept a couple of nights better than I had in months.

I have started to notice I’m having less and less vertigo-like feeling when moving my head from side to side.

I’m thinking more clearly.

The aphasia is getting better. It started improving when I weaned off that med, already, so that may have played a part as well.

That “lost year” – all that time spent chasing what was wrong and paying out thousands in copays and out of pocket expenses – came down to a form of stress and exhaustion.

I was carrying the weight of a church on my shoulders, and it was wearing me down. I was dealing with it somewhat until my sister died. When that happened, it wiped out everything, including my reserves. I couldn’t recharge anymore.

When I was diagnosed with anxiety and put on that med, I was probably exhibiting some kind of nervous energy that was misdiagnosed. The med just made a bad situation worse.

Because I’d had COVID, I kept thinking it MUST have something to do with that.

It fooled my wife, too.

I’m still presenting with ADHD symptoms, friends. That hasn’t changed. I have gathered some more information and self tests, and I have another test scheduled for September 4. This time, I’ll be armed with my own information. People who have been diagnosed as adults have told me as much: get as much of your own research and self-testing as possible, and bring it with you to show them. That’s what I’ll be doing.

That’s the long and short of it. I apologize for the long absence – I really do. I missed this, but it’s near impossible to get an article going when your brain isn’t cooperating. For a long time, it was all I could do to get through the week. I put everything I had into Bible studies and Sunday messages, because I didn’t want to let my church family down.

So there’s the why.

I guess you’ll be wanting the “what now?”

Alright, then.

Like I said, leaving full-time ministry is not leaving ministry. There are a lot of ways to do ministry.

First, I want to get into a job with benefits.

Marketplace insurance is killing us. I don’t even want to know how much we have spent in the last year plus in copays, etc., but it’s more than we can afford. I also have to make sure my wife is covered and being taken care of.

I will be looking to get into teaching. It has benefits, I can get in (in many places) with a bachelor’s degree and work toward a certificate.

Then, I want to get into small size ministry – person on person. I want to get on the street level where people are. I just want to love people unconditionally, unapologetically, no strings attached.

That’s the beginning. Build relationships.

Don’t witness to people, BE A WITNESS. (There’s a rather big difference there, you know)

Start meeting in living rooms, or wherever a few people decide to get together.

Not having church, but BEING the church. (Another big difference)

I’ll be praying about this, and I invite you to join me in praying.

This is a big step, but it’s the right step.

I know the Lord will take care of us.

I ALSO know sometimes he makes it a little more exciting than I like it to be (like right now – we have packing and moving to do in a short time).

But you know the best part? When it’s all done, we can always look back and say: “yup, he did that!”

I’m gonna try to keep up better now.

I love you guys.